I have come to realize we are a society obsessed with ‘buts’ (No, I did not misspell the word). It has become apparent that many of us require a refresher course in “Encouragement 101” to develop a basic knowledge of extending compliments. Why is it that few people can distribute an accolade without a “but” in it? Why is it that most of us recognize that phrases such as, “You did a wonderful job” or “You played a great game” are consistently followed by “but”, which, consequently, obliterates the compliment.

Some time ago, I was privy to read an annual review intended for a Leader. By the end of the three plus pages, I felt the Board should begin preparations for talking their Leader off the side of some building. I recognized the intention was to “make him a better leader” via their advice and evaluation. However, I can assure you those well-meant intentions fell on deaf, discouraged ears.

The pages of this particular review were littered with “but”, “however”, and “yet”. Out of curiosity, I began highlighting the report with 3 separate colors. Yellow indicated a compliment, green designated a neutral comment, and red identified their analysis for improvement. Guess what color filled the pages? In fact, for every one compliment extended to this leader, over five critiques followed.

I recognize there is danger in becoming reliant on other people’s praise. One writer quipped, “Our dependency makes slaves out of us, especially if this dependency is a dependency of our self-esteem. If you need encouragement, praise, pats on the back from everybody, then you make everybody your judge.” Certainly, there are elements of truth in this quote; however, even the Bible identifies the importance of extolling admiration:

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” I Thessalonians 5:11

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” Proverbs 12:18

“Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Proverbs 16:24

Mark Twain’s tongue in cheek supposition, “I can live for two months on a good compliment”, holds great value. Abraham Lincoln, a man who survived a majority of his years bombarded with scathing critiques, simply stated, “Everybody likes a compliment”. Lincoln’s words are straightforward and true – Everybody, without exception, wants and needs encouragement.

Author William Ward wrote, “Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you…”

How motivating and liberating to receive heartfelt encouragement with “no strings attached”. Let’s lose our obsession with “buts” and extend words King Solomon observed as “sweet to the soul and healing to the bones”!

Check out episode 32 as Tony Rodarte, a retired Homicide Detective and Founder of Compassion Alliance, shares the truth, “We’re not okay…but that’s okay.” Believing this truth will develop far more empathy, humility, and compassion for one another. Living this truth will generate an environment of encouragement.